No matter how much you have or don’t have, money changes how you feel about yourself and your life. Didn’t Cyndi Lauper sing, “Money changes everything”? Ive made a lot, Ive had a lot but, then again, Ive lost a lot and times where I haven’t made shit.

I was painfully reminded today that I am now a “have not”. I think it is hard for people to forget that now your more of a “have not” than a “have”,  when you go from having money to blow, to just being able to pay your bills… and this is what makes it hard. Now, don’t get me wrong, I probably have more than some, but definitely less than the recent past. At this point in my life the struggle has come again. The ebb and flow of success and money. Once again, I find myself trying to figure it all out, the game, that is. The money game. How to make it and how to keep it. Up until 2 years ago my money game was strong. Then, the knee injury came. It forced a change in my life I never saw coming. If I think too much about it I feel devastated. Probably because it takes me back 25 years to the last and most overwhelming and life changing year of my life… complete with traumatic injuries that plague me to this day. The chain effect of past injuries and the new injuries they cause are costing me not only physically but, financially. We might as well mention the emotional toll, too. It has all brought me to this exact moment in time, wondering what the fuck am I going to do next.

Now, don’t get me wrong, part of the reason I uprooted my life was for a sweet, kind man with an amazing heart. The rest of the reason was because of the almighty dollar and an attempt to keep my savings account alive.index Life here in Morocco comes with a solid 75% lower cost of living. I’m able to live comfortably  the whole month for less than half of my rent alone in South Florida. Not too shabby, right? But, there is another part to this game of life, more than just  the controlling your controllables. See, you have to be able to make more money than you need in order to save it. Its a 3 fold game we all play. Or maybe I’m wrong… It could be just a game I play. Some are content just having enough to pay the bills. For me that’s not enough. Is it called being driven or something else?

 Why do we attach our worth to the almighty dollar? Is it ambition or is it the actual money that makes us crazy? For me, I can honestly say, that I have always  identified myself with what I was doing for a living. My career became my life. I had no personal life, work was it. It is just the way it is in the restaurant business. Ive tried to change that. I went to massage school and am a LMT. Within a month of getting my license I was back working in a restaurant. It is like a disease or a drug.  Once its in your blood, its hard to get rid of. That is not to say, I don’t have other diseases in my blood. When I’m not “in the business” Ive always rebounded somewhere in the art and design world. As you fellow artists know, you have to live and breathe your art to be successful. So, in a way,  my work life and the drive to make money always had me seeing my world and who I am from behind the veil of work, money and some level of success.

For me, now, the struggle comes with the boredom of not working. Ive always been a hustler. If there was a way for me to make money I always found it and exploited it. Now, as a stranger in a strange land, the struggle is real. Yeah, I am taking a break and resting my broke down body… I know I need it… and I know money always comes. But, that is not stopping my wheels from turning. Truth be told, I would rather be working my ass off and hurting myself than sitting around everyday. Its just the sick, twisted person I am… and I wonder… is money really the root of all evil? Or is the truer evil ambition?  That could be what really changes your outlook and how you see yourself. It isn’t the actual money, nor is it greed. For, no one would ever call me greedy, giving is how I would be described, more than likely. It is this ambition and the lack of success that can drive a sane person mad. The trying to figure out how to get back on top, and the internal struggle that ensues,  that just may be the great evil that every one mistakes for money because they dance hand in hand. xo